Funny Christmas card ideas (and what to actually write inside)

The card is the easy part. It's the blank space inside that defeats people. You stand there with a pen, write "Merry Christmas, love from", and feel like you've let everyone down.

I'm Luis. I paint funny, rude and occasionally heartfelt slogans for a living at my stall in Covent Garden, and I've now put them on Christmas cards. Here's how to choose the right card for each person, and exactly what to write inside.

Step 1: pick the card for the person

My two packs cover almost everyone:

• Gold embossed Merry Christmas: bright splashes of pink, red, green and gold with Merry Christmas embossed in gold. For parents, grandparents, neighbours, teachers and clients.
• The vulgar pack: Merry Fucking Christmas and Fuck It's Christmas Again in big hand lettering. For best friends, siblings, the group chat and anyone who has been through it this year.

Both are £12 for four A6 cards with red or green envelopes. Most people buy one of each.

Step 2: write one specific line

The secret of a good Christmas card message is one specific thing. Not "hope you're well", but a real moment from the year. Then add a joke or a warm wish. Two or three lines is perfect.

Funny messages for friends

Ready to copy, change as needed:

• "Another year of you being my favourite bad influence. Merry Christmas."
• "Thanks for answering every one of my 2am voice notes. Same again next year?"
• "I got you a card instead of a present because I'm saving for my Birkin. Love you."
• "To the only person who laughs at my jokes. Merry Christmas, you poor thing."
• "May your glass be full and your group chat be quiet."

Rude messages (for the vulgar pack)

Only for people who'd say it themselves:

• "It's Christmas again. Let's get through it together, with wine."
• "You're one of the few people I'd hide in the kitchen with at a party."
• "Here's to another year of not having a plan."
• "Merry Christmas to my partner in crime, poor decisions and terrible karaoke."

Messages for family

• Parents: "Thank you for everything this year, especially the bits you didn't have to do."
• Grandparents: "Can't wait to see you at Christmas. Save me the good chair."
• Siblings: "You're still the annoying one. Love you anyway. Merry Christmas."
• In-laws: "Thank you for making me feel so welcome this year."

Messages for your partner

• "My favourite thing about this year was you. Second favourite was the takeaway."
• "Here's to more lazy Sundays, terrible films and you stealing the duvet."
• "You're the best present I've ever had. The cheapest too. Merry Christmas."

Messages for work and clients

Use the gold embossed pack and keep it warm and specific:

• "Thank you for a brilliant year working together. Here's to an even better one."
• "It's been a pleasure working with you on [project]. Merry Christmas from all of us."
• "Thank you for your support this year. Wishing you a restful Christmas."

Sending a lot of business cards? See corporate Christmas cards.

Messages for people who don't celebrate Christmas

Plenty of friends celebrate other holidays, or none. Keep it inclusive:

• "Wishing you a happy holiday season and a brilliant new year."
• "Hope the end of the year is restful and the start of the next one is exciting."

Christmas card etiquette, quickly

1. Write the envelopes for the rude pack in a different pen. Mixing them up is a story you'll tell for years.
2. Never post a rude card to someone's office. Hand it over in person.
3. Post early. Order by 18 December for UK Christmas delivery and 10 December for international; I post within 3 days. Then give the Royal Mail a fair chance.
4. Sign with your real name, even for close friends. Future you will want to know who sent it.

Turn a card into a present

A card plus a small gift is a complete present. A £20 print, a £12 notebook or a £25 tote all pair perfectly. Ideas in funny Christmas gifts and stocking fillers. And if you're buying lots of packs, seven packs (28 cards) comes to £84, which gets you free UK delivery.

See both packs on the funny Christmas cards page.

Christmas card questions