Funny Christmas gifts that people actually keep

Most funny Christmas gifts have a lifespan of about ten minutes. Everyone laughs, someone takes a photo, and then the novelty mug goes in the cupboard of shame next to last year's novelty mug.

My whole business is built on funny things people keep. I'm Luis, my stall in Covent Garden is a wall of jokes painted on antique book pages, and my motto is "I don't sell art, I sell humour". Here's how to pick a funny present that survives past Boxing Day.

What makes a funny gift worth keeping?

• It's funny on day one AND day 200. A specific, confident joke lasts. A pun fades.
• It does a job. Hangs on a wall, carries the shopping, holds a shopping list.
• It looks good. Bright, well made, something they're happy for guests to see.
• It's about them. The best funny gift says "this is SO you".

The funny prints that sell out every December

• Please Don't Do Cocaine in the Bathroom: my signature house rule, written like a sincere notice from the management.
• This Ain't the Ritz: for guests who treat the spare room like a five-star hotel.
• Please Leave by 9pm: for everyone who loves hosting until about half eight.
• Press for Champagne: goes next to the doorbell. Nobody ever gets champagne.

All £20. Many come in A3 at £79 if you want a bigger laugh.

Funny gifts for the office

Clean enough for HR, funny enough to win Secret Santa.

Ha Ha Ha No is the reply to every meeting invite. Not Today Satan is for Monday mornings. My full guide is Secret Santa gifts under £20.

Funny gifts that are also useful

The This Is Not a... totes (£25) are the joke that carries the food shop. The Random Crap Notebook (£12) is the most honest stationery ever made. Don't Rush Me is for the slowest person in the family.

Funny gifts you can wear

Sweatshirts are £39 and made to order, so order early in December. Don't Rush Me is for the one who's always late to Christmas lunch. There Is No Plan is for whoever's cooking it.

The ruder end (for people you're sure about)

These are funny for the right person and a disaster for the wrong one. The rule: if they'd say it out loud at the dinner table, buy it. Welcome to the Shit Show is perfect for any family Christmas.

Funny AND one of a kind

My antique images are serious old portraits from antique art books that I've painted over with colour and a line they would never have said. Each one is unique, and they're £25.

I Just Farted gets the biggest laugh of any present I sell. A solemn Flemish gentleman, finally confessing. It's art history and toilet humour in one frame.

Funny gift ideas by person

Why a funny print beats a novelty gift

A novelty gift is funny once. A funny print is funny every time someone new walks into the room, which means the joke keeps paying off for years. It also says you thought about it: you picked the line that fits them, not the first thing by the till. And it supports a real artist rather than a warehouse, which is a nice thing to know when you hand it over.

Make the joke land

1. Wrap it so the punchline is a surprise. I wrap by hand on request.
2. Let them read it out loud. It's funnier when they say it.
3. Frame it and the joke becomes decor. See how to frame art prints.

Christmas timing

Prints and antique images are in stock and post quickly in the UK (£1.75 a print, free over £80). Totes, notebooks and sweatshirts are made to order and ship in 7 to 10 days, so order early in December. In London? Collect from the stall at Jubilee Market Hall, Covent Garden, at the weekend.

More: funny art prints UK, Christmas gifts for him and her and the full Christmas gifts collection.

Funny Christmas gift questions