Secret Santa gifts under £20 (that won't end up in the charity bag)

Secret Santa is a hostage situation with tinsel. You've drawn the name of someone from accounts you've spoken to twice, the budget is £20, and the clock is ticking. Every year somebody panics and buys a novelty mug. Every year that mug goes straight in the charity bag.

I'm Luis, I sell art and cheeky stationery from my stall in Covent Garden, and December is basically Secret Santa season at the stall. Here's how to win it.

The Secret Santa rules nobody tells you

1. Stay on budget. Going way over makes everyone else look bad. Going under looks stingy. £20 means £20.
2. Funny beats useful. Nobody remembers the socks. Everybody remembers the gift that made the room laugh.
3. Clean for the office, rude for friends. Know your audience before you buy a print with a swear word on it.
4. Make it look finished. Wrapped, flat, with a name tag. Presentation does half the work.

Office Secret Santa: funny but safe

These are clean enough for HR and funny enough to get a laugh when they're opened.

• Ha Ha Ha No: the perfect reply to every meeting invite. £20.
• It Is What It Is: a complete philosophy for the colleague who has seen it all. £20.
• I'm Not Always Right, but I'm Never Wrong: for your manager, if you're feeling brave. £20.

Other office-safe picks: Not Today Satan for Mondays, I'm a Drama Queen for the one who sends "urgent" emails, and Don't Rush Me for the colleague who replies on Thursday to Monday's message.

Under £15: notebooks with a punchline

Notebooks are £12, carry my artwork on the cover, and are genuinely useful, which is rare in Secret Santa.

The Random Crap Notebook is the most honest stationery ever made. There Is No Plan is for the project manager. Don't Rush Me is for anyone who keeps asking for "a quick update".

Friends' Secret Santa: go ruder

When it's your mates, not your manager, the gloves come off.

Fresh Out Of Fucks is for the friend who has had a year. Harden the Fuck Up is for the one who cried at the office party. Please Don't Do Cocaine in the Bathroom is my signature piece, a house rule every party flat needs, and still only £20.

Fashion friend? Try a tote

Totes are £25, so slightly over a strict £20 limit, but they're the cheapest designer bag anyone will ever own. This Is Not a Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Hermes or Gucci: pick the brand they're obsessed with. If your group's limit is £25, this is the winner.

Secret Santa by personality

Can't decide? Match the gift to the type:

• The one who's always late: Don't Rush Me, as a print or a notebook.
• The party planner: Press for Champagne, for the drinks trolley.
• The quiet one who's secretly hilarious: I Just Farted, a hand-painted antique image at £25, if your budget stretches.
• The motivational poster person: The Best Is Yet to Come. Sincere, but with style.
• The one who hates Secret Santa: Ha Ha Ha No. They'll get the joke.

Make a £20 print feel like more

• Roll it in tissue and ribbon if it's going in a stocking, or keep it flat in card if it needs to travel.
• Add a cheap frame. A simple A4 frame from the high street turns a print into a finished present.
• Write why on the tag. "This is you every Monday" is better than "Merry Christmas".
• Ask me to wrap it. I wrap by hand on request. Just message me after you order.

Timing for Christmas

Prints are in stock and post quickly in the UK: £1.75 a print, free over £80. Notebooks are made to order and take 7 to 10 days, so order those early in December. If you're in London, come to my stall at Jubilee Market Hall in Covent Garden on a Saturday or Sunday and take it home the same day, or order online and collect from the stall.

Organising Secret Santa for a whole team? Buy several prints in one go: once the basket passes £80, UK delivery is free. Need more ideas? See stocking fillers, Christmas gifts for him and her or the full Christmas gifts collection.

Secret Santa questions