Funny and rude Christmas cards that people actually keep

Every December the same cards come through the door. A robin. A snowy cottage. A cartoon reindeer with a pun so weak it should be ashamed of itself. They sit on the mantelpiece for three weeks and go straight in the recycling on Boxing Day.

I'm Luis, and I paint loud, cheeky slogans on antique book pages at my stall in Covent Garden. This year I've put that into Christmas cards. Here's why they're different, and how to choose between polite and very much not.

Two packs, two kinds of people

The gold embossed pack is four A6 postcards covered in my splashes of pink, red, green and gold, with Merry Christmas embossed in shining gold on the front. The back carries an embossed Merry Christmas too, with plenty of room to write. It's festive, colourful and safe for your gran.

The vulgar pack is for the friends who would be genuinely offended by a polite card. Four A6 postcards in my riot of colour, with Fuck It's Christmas Again and Merry Fucking Christmas painted in big hand lettering. It's what most of us say on the 24th when the wrapping paper runs out.

Both packs are £12 for four cards, and every card comes with a red or green envelope.

Who gets which card?

Most people buy one of each, and a few buy three of the rude pack and none of the polite one. Polite pack for family, rude pack for friends, and nobody gets the wrong one.

Why a funny card beats a nice one

• It gets read. A joke makes people stop. A robin makes people move on to the next envelope.
• It gets kept. People keep cards that made them laugh. They frame the really good ones.
• It says you know them. A rude card to the right person is a love letter.
• It's art. Every card carries one of my hand-painted designs, so you're sending a little piece of London pop art, not a stock photo of a robin.

Rude Christmas card etiquette

A few rules from a man who sells a lot of swearing:

1. Know the household. If their kids open the post, send the gold pack.
2. Never post rude cards to someone's office. Hand them over in person.
3. Write something nice inside. The front can be filthy. The inside should be warm.
4. Don't mix them up. Write the envelopes for the rude pack in a different pen. Learn from other people's mistakes.

Make them go further

• Frame one. An A6 postcard fits a small frame and becomes a tiny piece of Christmas wall art.
• Pop one in with a present. A card plus a print is a proper gift. See stocking fillers and Secret Santa gifts under £20.
• Use them as gift tags. Write on the back and tie it to the ribbon.
• Send them abroad. Postcards are light, so posting them to friends overseas costs less than a chunky card.

Ordering in time for Christmas

The card packs are £12 each and post easily within the UK. UK delivery is free when your basket passes £80, so add a few prints or a tote for the people on your list. Luis also delivers to Ireland, France, Italy, Germany, Belgium, the Netherlands, the USA, Canada and Australia, with the price shown at checkout. Order early in December so your cards arrive before you need to write them.

In London? Come to my stall at Jubilee Market Hall, Covent Garden, on a Saturday or Sunday and take a pack home today. My guide to the Covent Garden Christmas market has the best times to visit.

More ideas: funny Christmas gifts and the full Christmas gifts collection.

Christmas delivery dates: order by 18 December for UK Christmas delivery and by 10 December for international. Luis posts every order within 3 days. Made-to-order clothing, totes and notebooks take 7 to 10 days, so order those sooner.

Funny Christmas card questions